C

Cake, Darlene
Built like a skyscraper and tough as old boots, Darlene has a tendency to accuse people of racism at the drop of a hat. She initially became Al’s sidekick. After Al’s death, she was recruited by Natalie and became her first lieutenant, rather reluctantly helping her enforce her protection racket. She publicly disassociated herself from Natalie after her fall from grace and now spends most of her time hanging out with Janine and Tina.

Read Darlene’s character profile.

Cake, Terence
Darlene’s younger brother. He was kidnapped and tortured by yardie gangster, Rick Revoir after Darlene stole a bag of his dodgy gear (s6ep6).

Camera
Scumbag journalist, Jude Longley smuggled a miniature camera into Buki so she could take photographs of Charlotte Myddleton zonked out on drugs (s3ep9).

Fenner gave Tina a camera and ordered her to take a photo of Yvonne at it with Colin (s5ep11). However, Tina got cold feet and confessed all to Yvonne. As a way of making amends, Tina agreed to tempt Fenner into a compromising position so that Yvonne could take her own photographs (s5ep12).

Canada
Kris and Selena planned to flee to Canada when Kris came up with an escape plan. Kris’s younger sister, Milly, was sent on ahead to stay with a relative (s5ep16). However, Kris’s first bid for freedom was curtailed after Fenner beat her up (s5ep16), and her second ended in tragedy when she stumbled across Yvonne’s body (s6ep1). In the meantime, Milly disappeared and Selena was eventually forced to travel to Canada in search of her (s6ep6).

Cannabis
Aka marijuana, blow, grass, weed, puff, and draw, cannabis is the most widely used drug in the UK. It has been smoked at one stage or another by most of G-Wing’s inmates and used to be grown by Nikki in the prison garden.

Canning, Emily
Laura Canning’s bitch of a sister. Tied up and left to die in a derelict building until Colin managed to convince Laura to take him to her (s7ep4).

Canning, Laura
A sweet and innocent looking eighteen-year-old who was sent to Larkhall on remand after brutally stabbing her mother to death. Laura’s sister, Emily, was missing, and the police suspected Laura had killed her too and then hidden the body. Determined to get to the bottom of the mystery, Colin learned of the mental abuse Laura had suffered at the hands of her mother and sister. He eventually managed to persuade Laura to take him and the police to find Emily, but he couldn’t prevent Laura committing suicide by jumping from a balcony (s7ep4).

Canteen
The prison shop where inmates are allowed to buy cigarettes, shampoo, confectionary etc with their personal spends. The Larkhall canteen was privatised by Neil and placed in Hollamby’s rather dubious care (s4ep2). After swindling the inmates with her (not so) lucky bags and out-of-date crisps, Hollamby received her comeuppance when Cassie and Barbara re-programmed the computer system (s4ep8).

Cardigan
Marilyn Fenner, aka St Marilyn of the Cardigan, was chief casual knits offender until Karen surpassed her with the pink and sparkly number she was forced to wear for three episodes (s2ep13, s3ep1 – ep2!).

Carpet
Stubberfield had a new carpet fitted in his office, the off-cuts of which were pilfered by the Julies in order to provide Yvonne with “something soft to put me feet on” (s2ep1).

Carriage Clock
Purchased by G-Wing’s POs as a thirtieth anniversary present for the Hollambys. Before it could be presented, it was stolen and smuggled out of Larkhall by Crystal (s2ep13) and later, donated to a charity shop (s3ep2). What goes around comes around though. The clock later resurfaced in the hands of a PO who had spotted it in the charity shop window (s3ep15), and as a result, Karen gave Crystal a poor character reference in court. Because of this, Crystal was found guilty of harbouring escapees, Shell and Denny, and returned to Larkhall (s3ep15).

Carter, Ms
Scary-looking butch PO from the Dedicated Search Team. She led the team that was sent up to Nikki’s cell to investigate a tip-off and got rather irritated when Nikki mistook her for a man. Carter got her own back by subjecting Nikki to a strip search and forcing her to squat over a mirror (s1ep2).

Casey, Mr
Part of the investigation team sent from Area to find out who was to blame for Shell and Denny’s escape (s3ep8).

CCTV
Nikki was caught on CCTV sneaking out of G-Wing in her nurse’s disguise (s2ep13), although what happened to the tape is still a mystery. Eric Bostock planned to have CCTV cameras covering every inch of the prison and several were installed in preparation for the day Linford Securities planned to take over the running of Larkhall (s5ep6).

Frances and Colin used the cameras in the visiting room to watch Rick Revoir’s visit with Tanya. As soon as he produced a razor blade, they swooped. Colin took Rick down while Frances cracked open the handcuffs (s6ep8).

CCTV brought about Fenner’s temporary downfall when Karen found footage of him running away from her car after the hit-and-run incident that killed a pedestrian (s6ep11). After Fenner’s reinstatement, Di was caught scratching ‘die bastard’ onto the paintwork of his car. This became one of the many pieces of circumstantial evidence that led to the police charging her with the evil one’s murder (s7ep11).

Cell Alarm
Every cell on G-Wing has a button that can be used to summon assistance. Alarms have been used to alert the POs to a number of incidents including illness, death, and inmates going into labour. By far the most memorable alarm sounding moment occurred when Kris hit the panic button after Fenner beat her up and then piddled on her (s6ep4).

Cellmate System
A scheme introduced by Joy shortly after her arrival at Larkhall (s7ep12). Inmates facing long sentences were celled up with inmates due for release in the belief that their good behaviour would rub off on the more troublesome elements.

Cellular Confinement
A punishment inflicted as an alternative to segregation on the punishment block. Shell was confined to her cell after her return from the Muppet Wing (s3ep3), as was Shaz after her fight with Maxi (s4ep12). Snowball was placed on CC for her own protection after Ritchie Atkins’ suicide (s5ep9), and Phyl was locked up, handcuffed to Hollamby, and subjected to a bread and water diet by Frances after Bev’s overdose on heroin (s6ep2).

Chapel
Larkhall’s chapel has seen more action than your regular place of worship. As well as a number of memorial services for dead inmates, it was also the scene of Shell’s escape (s3ep7), Crystal’s ‘wedding’ (s3ep10), Barbara’s wedding (s5ep16), the discovery of Maxi’s body (s4ep12), and Julie J’s attempt to seduce the chaplain (s2ep10). Not forgetting the moment Natalie and Kevin were caught in flagrante on the altar by Christy (s7ep13).

Chaplain
Henry’s predecessor. As well as presiding over Zandra and Rachel’s memorial services, he was propositioned by Julie J during her attempt to get pregnant (s2ep10).

Charity Blanket
A long-term project of inmate Sister Thomas More that she hoped would raise money for AIDS sufferers in Africa. Although Hollamby confiscated the blanket, Sister Thomas persuaded Neil to allow her to continue her work, and to enlist some of her fellow G-Wing inmates to assist (s7ep5).

Charles & Diana Mug
Hollamby’s choice of hot beverage holder.

Charlie the Canary
Kept by Shell ‘the birdwoman of Larkhall’ Dockley until she strangled him with her bare hands during a fit of pique (s1ep7). Not to be confused with Charlie Atkins who is not feathered, although just as dead.

Chateau Larkhall
Name given to the “disbleedin’gusting” hooch brewed by the Julies in Nikki’s watering-can (s1ep8). Phyl and Bev adopted the name for their illicit brew, although theirs was somewhat more on the high octane side (s5ep6).

Cheese Straws
Noreen Biggs’ one and only culinary speciality. The recipe was a closely guarded secret that was passed on to Tina after her death (s5ep12). The truth about Noreen’s secret ingredient was revealed shortly afterwards—cigarette ash!

Chelsea
Swanky area of South-West London where Yvonne and her husband, Charlie, owned a luxury flat.

Chick2Chick
Name of the porn-mag the Julies found in Fenner’s locker along with a pair of Maxi’s knickers (s4ep1).

Chix
The nightclub co-owned by Nikki and her ex-girlfriend, Trisha.

Christmas Carol, A
A Victorian morality tale written by Charles Dickens about an old and bitter miser, Ebenezer Scrooge, who undergoes a profound experience of redemption over the course of one evening. Hollamby received a visit from her very own Ghost of Christmas Present, Natalie. Instead of trying to show Bodybag the error of her ways, Natalie congratulated her, even going so far to point out that people had started to hate Hollamby more than they ever hated her. Just like Scrooge, Hollamby woke the next morning full of Christmas spirit and set about righting wrongs (s8ep11).

Cigarettes
Stolen, traded, borrowed, given away, and sometimes even smoked! A major form of currency inside the prison.

Clapton Marsh, HMP
Where Lauren Atkins was remanded after her home was raided by the police (s6ep3).

Claustrophobia
Anxiety caused by a fear of enclosed spaces. A condition suffered by Barbara and the reason she was assigned to share a cell with Nikki (s2ep5). Barbara’s claustrophobia flared up again during the G-Wing lockdown after the bomb (s5ep1).

Clark, Dionne
Kick-boxing inmate who taught Shaz how to defend herself against Al and Maxi’s bullying (s3ep14).

Client List
A notebook kept by Virginia detailing the names, addresses and, more than likely, the strange sexual preferences of the clients who visited her brothels. The notebook was stolen by an unknown hand and then planted underneath Yvonne’s pillow (s3ep16). Its discovery was one of the key reasons Yvonne became the prime suspect after Virginia was murdered (s4ep1).

Clive
Natalie’s so-called brother. She was allowed an outside visit with him and her terminally ill ‘nephew’, Mark, at a local hotel. Although her escort, Kevin, was quick to realise there was more chance of Natalie being related to the Queen, the can of mace Clive managed to hide in the bathroom was a surprise (s7ep12).

Clooney
One of the main characters in Janine and Darlene’s novel.

Closed Circuit TV
Nikki was caught on CCTV sneaking out of G-Wing in her nurse’s disguise (s2ep13), although what happened to the tape is still a mystery. Eric Bostock planned to have CCTV cameras covering every inch of the prison and several were installed in preparation for the day Linford Securities planned to take over the running of Larkhall (s5ep6).

Frances and Colin used the cameras in the visiting room to watch Rick Revoir’s visit with Tanya. As soon as he produced a razor blade, they swooped. Colin took Rick down while Frances cracked open the handcuffs (s6ep8).

CCTV brought about Fenner’s temporary downfall when Karen found footage of him running away from her car after the hit-and-run incident that killed a pedestrian (s6ep11). After Fenner’s reinstatement, Di was caught scratching ‘die bastard’ onto the paintwork of his car. This became one of the many pieces of circumstantial evidence that led to the police charging her with the evil one’s murder (s7ep11).

Closed Visits
During a closed visit, an inmate is separated from their visitor(s) by a mesh or glass screen and so no physical contact is possible. This was a punishment inflicted on all of G-Wing’s inmates after Lorna Rose was duped into smuggling drugs for Shell (s1ep9).

Snowball managed to convince Neil to allow her and Ritchie a closed visit. They had made a suicide pact and planned to overdose on sleeping pills together. Colin finally sussed the plan in time to save Snowball, but not Ritchie (s5ep7).

Clucking
A term used to describe the withdrawal symptoms suffered by a newborn baby whose mother took drugs during her pregnancy. Zandra’s son, Robbie, was born addicted to smack (s2ep1).

CMT
An acronym for Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease: a congenital condition suffered by Buki’s son, Lennox. Visit CMT UK’s website for more information about CMT.

Cocaine
Cocaine is a white powder that is usually divided into lines on a smooth surface and snorted up the nose with a rolled up banknote or a straw. Shell and Denny went after lines of Charlie like a pair of anteaters on the rampage before, during, and after the night of terror they inflicted on the Hollambys. At one point, they even forced Hollamby to serve them lines on a silver platter (s2ep8).

A bag of cocaine was found in the Atkins’ residence during a police search and was one of the pieces of evidence that led to Charlie’s arrest (s2ep7). Fenner planted a bag of cocaine in Yvonne’s shoe after her return from Ritchie’s funeral (s5ep8). Colin later grassed on Fenner to clear Yvonne’s name (s5ep9).

Cockroaches
One of the many species of creepy-crawlies that infest Larkhall. The Julies dropped a selection of them into Noreen’s pancake mix during their campaign to get their red-bands back (s4ep8). The plan did backfire slightly when the trauma of finding a cockroach in her breakfast contributed to Crystal going into an early labour (s4ep9).

Crystal had another close encounter of the cockroach kind while on the MBU. Incensed when she found them crawling all over baby Zandra’s cot, she decided to stick a few cockroach corpses into an envelope and send them to The Guardian. The letter was intercepted by Di (s4ep10).

Cocktails
Enjoyed by Shell and Denny during their sojourn on the Costa del Sol (s3ep9). A “long comfortable screw against the wall” was Denny’s favourite until Shell revealed the ingredients used to make it—“orange, vodka, Fenner’s spunk, and a cherry”!

Cocoa
Repulsed by G-Wing tea, Darlene was very interested to learn that Mormon inmates are allowed a daily ration of cocoa. She duly put in a request to change her religion, it was later turned down when Julie J informed Colin of the true reason for Darlene’s religious conversion (s6ep3).

Coffin
Shell was hugely excited when she found out that Bobby Hollamby ran his undertaking business from the garage of the Hollamby family home. She scared the pants off Sylvia by popping up out of an empty coffin to announce her arrival, and later nailed Bobby into one and set fire to it (s3ep8). Although he managed to escape the grim-reaper on that occasion, Bobby succumbed a while later and was discovered dead in one of his own coffins. He had gassed himself to death by fixing a hose-pipe to the exhaust of his hearse (s5ep2).

At her mother’s funeral, Janine tripped over her own feet while she was placing a rose on top of the coffin. She ended up sending the whole thing flying, much to the horror of the congregation (s8ep2).

Colette
A registered foster-carer friend of Pat’s who took over temporary care of Sheena’s son, Dylan (s7ep9). When Sheena was released on tag, she went to stay with Colette, but quickly ran into trouble thanks to the reappearance of her ex-boyfriend, Brendan. When Colette witnessed him stashing a bag of smack in the house, she called the police and Sheena was taken straight back to Larkhall (s7ep12).

Collingham-Reed, Mrs
The mother of one of David Saunders’ posh school friends. David arranged to stay with the Collingham-Reed family for the school holidays under the proviso that Julie telephoned her consent. Panicked at the prospect of coming over all “cor blimey common from Clapham Park”, the Julies enlisted Monica and her posh voice (s1ep2).

Compact
Otherwise known as sentence planning. This is the process designed to help prisoners prepare for their release and make the best use of their time in custody.

Compost Heap
Used by Nikki to conceal the watering-can containing the batch of Chateau Larkhall (s1ep8). The compost also kept the homebrew at the correct temperature during the fermentation process, even though the Julies had offered to “take it in turns to come down and hug it”.

Computer
Purchased by Neil and given to Hollamby so that she could computerise the canteen accounts. A complete technophobe who thought “point and click” meant exactly that, Hollamby was forced to bribe Barbara to do the work for her (s4ep3).

Neil was so impressed by the work Hollamby did on the canteen accounts he arranged for her to pass her IT skills on to the inmates. Hollamby had other ideas and once again, roped Barbara in to help. Left to their own devices, the inmates entertained themselves by playing shoot ‘em up games and printing off porn (s4ep5).

Condolence Card
Made by the Julies when they heard about Bobby Hollamby’s suicide. The card was signed by most of G-Wing’s inmates and presented to an extremely touched Hollamby (s5ep3).

Condoms
Filled with water and pushed through the hatch in Shell’s cell-door after lock-up by Shaz and Denny (s2ep10). Shell was not impressed when she woke to find her cell swimming in an inch of water.

Connor, Aidan
Roisin’s husband. He was scandalised by his wife’s arrest and subsequent conviction, but decided to stick by her. But Roisin had other ideas and finally confessed to being in love with Cassie (s4ep13).

Connor, Michael
Roisin’s son.

Connor, Niamh
Roisin’s daughter.

Connor, Roisin
Sent to Larkhall on a four year stretch after trying to cover up the dodgy dealings of her boss and secret girlfriend, Cassie Tyler. After a period of deep depression and heavy drug use, Roisin dumped her husband for Cassie and then went on to save Neil’s life after Snowball’s bomb exploded in the library (s4ep16). Roisin received a pardon for her act of heroism and is now presumably living happily ever after with Cassie.

Read Roisin’s character profile.

Cornwall
County in the extreme South-West corner of England. Janine planned to flee here on a train from Paddington station after giving Donny the slip. Donny agreed to run away with her, but at the last second, slapped her into handcuffs and took her back to Larkhall (s8ep9).

Coronary Heart Disease
A preventable disease that kills more than 110,000 people in England every year. During his post-mortem, it was discovered that Neil had been suffering from CHD (s8ep2) and that the condition may have contributed to his death after he contracted Legionnaires’ disease (s8ep1).

Costa Cons
Nickname given to Phyl and Bev for the crimes they committed on Spain’s Costa del Sol. Amongst other things, they sold nonexistent golf courses and villas to unsuspecting tourists, cheating most of them out of their life savings in the process.

Cowan, Francis
Yvonne’s solicitor. He advised his client to confess to Virginia’s murder in the hopes of being given a lighter sentence… so much for innocent until proven guilty (s4ep2).

Crack
A smokeable form of cocaine that is made into small lumps or rocks, it’s called crack because it makes a crackling sound when it’s being burnt. Buki was a heavy crack user when she arrived at Larkhall, but gave up her habit in exchange for being allowed to work on the MBU (s4ep9). Natalie forced Janine to smuggle a bag of crack back from her mother’s funeral. Unfortunately for Janine, Lou discovered the crack hidden inside one of her shoe-heels (s8ep2).

Crap Drawer
An overflowing drawer in Helen’s kitchen. Sean once called her at Larkhall in desperate need of a pencil sharpener, she advised him to look for one in the “crap drawer” (s1ep1).

Credit Card Fraud
A kind of fraud where a seller is tricked into releasing merchandise or rendering services, believing that a credit card account will provide payment. Zandra was serving time for credit card fraud, although she took the rap for her then fiancé, Robin. This was also the crime committed by Janine and Arun.

Cremation
Or rather forced cremation. Bobby Hollamby was nearly burnt alive in one of his own coffins when Shell and Denny decided to pay a visit (s3ep8).

Criminal Cases Review Commission (CCRC)
An independent public body set up to investigate possible miscarriages of justice in England, Wales, and Northern Ireland. The CCRC assesses whether convictions or sentences should be referred to a court of appeal.

Croatia
A European country that borders the Mediterranean, Central Europe, and the Balkans. Phyl planned to travel to Croatia on her motorbike to take advantage of “cheap real estate” and “loads of dumb Brits looking for homes”, convinced she was going to “clean up”. However, she was arrested by the Spanish police before she could put her plan into action (s7ep10).

Croft, Lara
Long-legged, kick-ass star of the Tomb Raider series of computer games. She was the object of Shaz’s affections and number one on her list of fantasy personal officers.

Crossword Clues
Hollamby resorted to a crossword to help pass the time when she and Fenner were on escort duty and cooped up in the back of a car with Yvonne (s2ep7). Hollamby struggled with a particularly cryptic clue—“Awful clamouring ass, taken so with a pinch of salt (3, 5, 5)”. The answer was—“cum grano salis”—Latin for “a grain of salt” and also an anagram of “clamouring ass” with “so” taken out… no wonder she didn’t get it!

Crotch Grabbing
I.e. the forcible grabbing of another person’s crotch. Once inflicted on Helen by Fenner (s3pe6).

Crown Prosecution Service (CPS)
An impartial government department that is responsible for public prosecutions of people charged with criminal offences in England and Wales. When the police charge a suspect with a criminal offence, all of the evidence collected against them is sent to the CPS. The CPS will then decide if the police have collected enough evidence to secure a conviction. If the evidence is considered to be insufficient, the go-ahead will not be given for the police to prosecute. Once the decision is made to prosecute, the CPS conducts the prosecution and has the power to continue or discontinue the proceedings.

Crucifix
Josh delighted Crystal by presenting her with a gold crucifix during the early stages of their relationship (s2ep6). Arun also wore a gold crucifix. It and a bag of hormone pills were stolen from her cell by Janine and given to Natalie (s7ep3). Although the crucifix was later returned to Arun, the pills weren’t.

Chaplain Christy Mackay used a large wooden crucifix to help her exorcise the evil spirits present on G-Wing (s7ep13). The crucifix was later used by Miranda ‘daughter of Satan’ Miles to stab Christy to death in the shower.

Crutching
This is the most popular method of smuggling drugs or other items of contraband into Larkhall. Items are secreted inside a condom or the finger of a plastic glove and are then concealed inside the body of the inmate (see De-crutching). Zandra and Darlene have both crutched drugs into Larkhall. Miranda ‘daughter of Satan’ Miles, crutched a full set of Russian Matryoshka dolls (s7ep13)! Natalie proved that her evil really did know no bounds by arranging a young girl to crutch drugs into the visiting room (s8ep5) (see Andrews, Vanessa).

Crystal Meth
When smoked, Methylamphetamine, aka crystal meth produces a very intense rush similar to that produced by crack, but longer-lasting. It is highly addictive. Most of the chemicals needed to make crystal meth are readily available in household products and so, when Natalie heard that chemistry postgraduate, Emira Al Jahani was on her way to Larkhall, she was the ideal candidate to set up a mini Meth lab. Natalie’s plan backfired when the Julies observed Emira spooning crystals out of her kettle and jumped to the conclusion she was intending to poison the wing (s8ep1).

Cubic Zirconium
A synthesised mineral used as a cheaper alternative to diamonds within the jewellery industry. Rather than splash out on a real diamond engagement ring for Hollamby, cheapskate Dr Nicholson bought her an ostentatious ring set with a massive cubic zirconium for a fraction of the price (s7ep4). Dr Nicholson’s penny pinching didn’t come to light until Hollamby tried to sell the ring after his death (s7ep10).

Cullen, Guy
Male escort who was hired by Yvonne to pose as her solicitor. Unbeknown to the POs, he was “packing a different set of briefs” and managed to ease Yvonne’s rampant sexual frustration (s3ep4).

Cutting Machine
An evil, razor sharp cutting wheel that was used to cut the material the inmates used to make shrouds. Natalie paid Phyl to doctor the cutting machine when she was looking for a way to befriend the Julies. After Phyl’s tinkering, the machine caught Julie S’s hand and no amount of banging on the power switch could turn it off. Enter Natalie to the rescue. She managed to pull Julie free, slicing her own hand in the process. This act of self-sacrifice won her quite a few fans on G-Wing, well, for a while anyway (s6ep5).

Cutting Up
A common form of self-harm that involves making shallow cuts to the skin of the arms or legs. Buki was well known for cutting herself as a method to catch attention and as an emotional release.

Culver, Detective Sergeant
The police detective who was placed in charge of the hunt for escapees, Shell and Denny (s3ep8).