Natalie Buxton is back at Larkhall having been sentenced to 12 years for child prostitution. Frances is incensed when she learns that Natalie is back under her charge—she is the officer who put her away after all—and can’t believe it when Natalie decides to forgo her right to segregation for her own protection. Frances’ reaction is nothing to that of the women and straight away, Al is sent to teach Natalie a lesson. However, Natalie turns the tables and beats Al up before turning on the waterworks and managing to convince the terrified inmate that Frances set her up.
The Julies receive a letter from Janan in which she thanks them, Tina, and Darlene for supporting her protest. Although the Julies are touched, Tina—still suffering from cuts, bruises, and a sprained ankle—isn’t interested. She holds Janan solely responsible for her ordeal and the fact that her hair is falling out in clumps. The Julies suspect that Tina’s alopecia may have a lot to do with constant peroxide use and advise her to go back to her natural colour.
Natalie flirts with Colin as he takes her for her induction with Frances. A full-on collision occurs in the Wing Governor’s office and, after major provocation; Frances slaps Natalie around the face. Colin bursts into the office and witnesses the incident, but Frances distracts him by ordering him off duty so that they can go for a drink. But Frances has something else in mind and after a brief visit to the pub; she takes Colin back to her flat, handcuffs him to the bed, and then has her wicked way with him. Afterwards, Frances reveals to Colin that she’s planning on ordering another round of urine tests, only this time with an added twist—she’s going to test all of G-Wing’s POs too! Turfed out into the street, Colin starts to brick it—how on earth is he going to get out of this one? Although he’s preoccupied, he can’t help but notice when Frances leaves the flat. He follows her to a bar and watches her meet up with another man. The following morning, Frances asks Colin out again and is confused when he turns her down.
Hollamby goes into orbit when she hears that she will be expected to provide a sample for drug testing. If weeing into a cup isn’t humiliating enough, she also has to face the prospect of apologising to Darlene for her racist behaviour. As the rest of the women look on in amusement, Hollamby asks for Darlene’s forgiveness and promises to show more sensitivity and awareness in the future. Meanwhile, Colin waits until Selena has taken all of the PO’s samples before sneaking into the MDT room. He takes the samples out of the fridge and injects a tiny amount of heroin into each one. Neil hits the roof when he receives the test results—all of G-Wing’s officers have tested positive for heroin!
Having tried to convince Kris that she should set off for Canada to try and find Milly, Selena goes to Frances to ask her advice. Frances is concerned that Selena is getting too emotionally involved with Kris’ case and warns her to back off. She does however suggest that hiring a private investigator would be the best way for Kris to track her sister down. As a result of her conversation with Selena, Kris isn’t in the best of moods, but still readily agrees when Phyl and Bev ask her to smuggle them some rhubarb from the garden. With the help of Tina and the Julies, the rhubarb is mashed up and combined with water, sugar and several other ingredients. This new vintage of Chateau Larkhall is then left in the severy to ferment.
Larkhall has received a last minute order for shrouds so the inmates are rounded up and put to work. After noticing Phyl take a screwdriver to a faulty sewing machine, Natalie is struck by inspiration and offers her a bottle gin in payment if she will ‘fix’ a cutting machine for her. Later, Phyl looks on in horror when Julie S’s hand gets stuck in the doctored machine. Enter Natalie to the rescue. She manages to pull Julie S to safety, slicing her own hand to ribbons in the process. Natalie arrives back from the hospital wing and is greeted like the returning hero. Frances looks on in horror as the Julies lead the applause.
Memorable Moments
Neil – “Behaving like a lynch mob is not a great way to seize the moral high-ground. (To POs) Take her to the dorm please.”
Al – “You’re joking us man?”
Julie S – “You’re putting her in with the youngsters?”
Neil – “You think they’ll be at risk from her? Three against one?”
Julie J – “If you had kids yourself you would never want them to share a room with the likes of her…never!”
Neil – “Prostitution, murder, fraud, theft, grievous bodily harm…what parent would let their kids near any of you? You sound like a right bunch of scum, don’t you? You can’t complain they got it wrong though, missed all your good points…they can tell all that matters from knowing your crime, just like you can tell about Natalie Buxton. Food for thought?”
Frances – “I meant it when I said that this was going to be a drug free wing, so that goes for staff as well as prisoners.”
Al – “Are the screws getting piss-tested?”
Julie S – “Hope that means Bodybag ain’t back on the E’s.”
Julie J – “Coulda slipped her something if we’d got a bit more notice.”
Kris – “So that does that mean that if the screws test us, we get to test them?”
Tina – “Bring me own ‘Marigolds’ innit?”
Phyl – “Does Myers not think we’d all live in a pond if all we had was the brain of a newt?”
Bev – “It’s official, I’m going to die!”
Phyl – “You must be nearly all turkeyed out now, just the giblets left. Just hang on.”
Bev – “Hang on? Hang on for what? I have more faith in drink after death than I do of a drop in this desert.”
Natalie – “A bottle of gin, I gather that’s your tipple.”
Bev – “Gin?”
Natalie – “Tonic, ice, lemon…”
Bev – “Oh please, I’m a medical emergency.”
Hollamby – “I want to apologise for any offence I may have caused you regarding the colour of your skin or your ethnic origin. (Pause for the whole wing to giggle) I’m about to commence a residential race relations course and I like to think in future, I will show more sensitivity…and awareness.”
Darlene – “Is it? (Turns to the others) That fat old mamma disrespecting me again?”
Al – “Dissing herself, not you…that’s friggin’ ace man!”
Darlene – “Me a winner winner!”
Tina – “When’s it gonna be ready?”
Phyl – “Not for at least a month.”
Tina – “A month? What’s in it?”
Phyl – “Rhubarb, water…”
Bev – “Er, sugar, raisins, lemons.”
Tina – “What, no booze?”
Bev – “No Tina, you see it has to ferment (Waits for Tina to look vacant) You know…er…”
Phyl – “Just keep it warm and away from Myers prying eyes. Stir it once a day until it stops bubbling and we’ll get our booze.”
Bev – “And if you’re a very good girl we’ll let you have a sip.”
Frances – “Whatever your problem is can it wait?”
Colin – “Shame there isn’t a test for sex addiction.”
