A to Z of HMP Larkhall
Performed at David Saunders’s school with him in the lead role. During the “is this a knife I see before me” scene, Julie S became convinced that all was not well back at Larkhall. So overwhelming was the feeling that she tried to bust her way back in, arriving just in the nick of time to stop Julie J slashing her wrists (s3ep3).
A chemical spray intended to render an assailant harmless when sprayed in his/her face. Natalie’s ‘brother’ Clive secreted a can of mace in the bathroom of the hotel room that was used for their outside visit. Natalie sprayed the mace into Kevin’s face and then made a break for it. Her escape was thwarted by a crowd of protesters outside the hotel who had been tipped off by Pat (s7ep12).
Chaplain who arrived at Larkhall in time to lead Yvonne’s memorial service (s7ep10). Joy took a great shine to Christy and recruited her to help spread some Christmas cheer on G-Wing. The arrival of mystery inmate Miranda Miles put a bit of a dampener on the festivities, as did Christy walking into the chapel to find Kevin and Natalie indulging in some kinky behaviour on the altar. Natalie decided that the only way out of the predicament was to shut Christy up for good, and so manipulated Miranda into killing her (s7ep13).
A particular kind of mushroom that grows in the wild and which produces a similar effect to LSD when it is eaten. Shaz and Denny consumed a whole bag of magic mushrooms during their inter-prison visit. They ended up sitting on an upside-down table, convinced that they were floating on a raft in shark-infested waters and therefore completely oblivious when Snowball’s bomb exploded across the corridor in the library. Although Denny came to her senses, Shaz was still hallucinating sharks and refused to leave the ‘raft’ when Julie S and Al broke through the locked door. Denny was forced to leave her to burn to death in the ensuing fire (s4ep16).
The first call Shell made on her smuggled-in mobile phone was to Hollamby. Calling herself “Penny from mail order customer services”, she rang Hollamby to confirm her order for “one deluxe double-sized bed”. Hollamby panicked and denied all knowledge of the order, much to Shell’s delight (s2ep1).
Shell next called Hollamby from Spain, this time to do a “customer satisfaction survey”. When Penny asked: “on a scale of one to ten, how do you rate your husband’s performance on this mattress? Or is he still more comfortable in a coffin?”, Hollamby finally twigged (s3ep16). After a cackling Shell hung up, Hollamby went into complete hysterics, convinced that Shell was coming back to finish her off for good (s4ep1).
A man who provides sexual favours in exchange for cash. Yvonne used Nikki’s contacts to smuggle two such escorts into Larkhall – one in the guise of a solicitor (s4ep4) and another who posed as a visiting local businessman at the Open Day (s4ep16).
Mandatory Drug Test (MDT)
A urine test given to about 10% of the prison population on a monthly basis. Names of the inmates to be tested are randomly selected, although inmates can also be tested if they are suspected of using drugs.
Hollamby’s aunt. Margaret was ignored by her niece when she was alive because she was an eccentric lifelong spinster (i.e. gay). Despite this, she left Hollamby a palatial, antique-stuffed house in Hampstead when she died and made the undeserving old sow a millionaire (s7ep2). However, Margaret did gain the last laugh by including a codicil to her will. Hollamby was distraught when she learnt that she stood to lose her inheritance should she remarry (s7ep5).
Aka cannabis, blow, grass, weed, ganja, puff and draw, marijuana is the most widely used drug in the UK. It has been smoked at one stage or another by many of G-Wing’s inmates and was once grown by Nikki in the prison garden until she mulched the lot as part of her campaign to start keeping her nose clean (s2ep8).
Governing Governor who was brought in to replace Neil upon his demotion to Wing Governor (s7ep11). Ex-army and hard as nails, she introduced a rigid regime of discipline, seemingly hell-bent on turning Larkhall into a boot-camp. The arrival of Stella Gough – an ambitious inmate whose dream was to join the army after her release – seemed to be the answer to Joy’s prayers... that was until she discovered that Stella was the daughter she’d given up for adoption (s8ep4).
Read Joy’s character profile.
Young, idealistic PO who was one of the few officers the women of G-Wing felt that they could turn to. He was hugely attracted to Helen, but was knocked back when he tried to make a pass at her (s2ep12). Shortly afterwards, Dominic left for a holiday in Greece and ended up staying after falling for a woman he met there.
Fill-my-crack-in... geddit? Phil was an imaginary penpal for Buki, invented by Shaz in retaliation for the ruination of her escape tunnel (s4ep5). Just as Shaz and Denny hoped, Buki fell for Phil in a big way and was mortified when Shaz trumpeted the truth for the whole wing to hear (s5ep7). Unable to cope with the humiliation, Buki resorted to cutting-up and injured herself a lot more seriously than she intended (s4ep8).
Quick with her mouth and her fists, Al was a Glaswegian bully who provided the muscle for the Peckham Boot Gang. After Maxi’s death, she was recruited by Phyl to support her brief stint as G-Wing’s top-dog. Originally doing time for GBH, Al also ended up with a life sentence after murdering Virginia in the bath-tub (s3ep16). In Al’s case, life meant just that – she died as a result of oxalic poisoning (s6ep6).
Read Al’s character profile.
An individual who claims to have the ability to receive messages from spirits that they can then channel to the living. Julie S is a self-proclaimed medium. She decided that Crystal and Josh were meant to be together after reading Crystal’s tea-leaves and recruited Julie J, Yvonne and Zandra to help her arrange a romantic dinner a deux in the laundry room (s2ep4).
Bev claimed to be able to contact the dead, often displaying an uncanny knowledge of the subject she was in contact with. Of course, it was just another Costa Con – she and Phyl would get the inside story on the deceased beforehand. Bev ‘contacted’ Shaz on the behalf of Denny (s5ep3) and the recently deceased Bobby Hollamby at the request of Bodybag (s5ep4). She also channelled Al at Tina’s request. After wrongly confirming Tina’s pregnancy, ‘Al’ revealed the name of her killer – Natalie (s6ep12).
A service held in the prison chapel to provide the inmates with the opportunity to mourn the passing of one of their number. Rachel (s1ep5), Zandra (s2ep9), Shaz (s5ep1), Noreen (s5ep12) and Yvonne (s7ep10) have all had services held in their memory.
She may have had the face of an angel, but inside, Snowball was manipulative, evil, and as cold as a polar bear’s bum. Totally without conscience, she planted a bomb in the library and then made her escape (s4ep16). She also had a will of iron, once giving herself salmonella by eating raw chicken during one of her countless escape attempts (s5ep4). Other than herself, there was only one person Snowball cared about: Yvonne’s son, Ritchie. When he committed suicide, nothing was going to stop her following him (s5ep10).
A synthetic opiate used as a substitute for heroin in the treatment of addiction. When she was arranging to foster Sheena’s son Dylan, Di became desperate to keep her behind bars. To stop Sheena being released on an electronic tag – and reunited with Dylan – Di spiked her tea with methadone and then hid the bottle in her pocket. Sheena was later found doped out of her skull and as a result, her release was cancelled (s7ep8).
Miranda’s transformation from harmless nursery school teacher to self-proclaimed ‘daughter of Satan’ began when she fell asleep at the wheel of a mini-bus and caused the death of six children. During her transfer to a secure hospital, Miranda – minus her paperwork – was mistakenly dropped off at Larkhall on Christmas Eve. Joy made the decision to allow Miranda on to G-Wing and she went on to stab Christy MacKay to death in the shower (s7ep13).
PO who worked on G-Wing during Series 5 and 6. She is credited for possessing the patience of a saint for managing to hold on to her temper whilst processing Phyl and Bev (s5ep3) and then later Darlene (s6ep2) through reception. Paula also overheard Hollamby making a series of racist remarks. She complained to Frances who responded by sending Hollamby on a race relations course (s6ep5).
Henry’s brother, a complete git. Clive was determined to stop his brother marrying Barbara and waited until the ceremony to kick up a fuss. Furious when Clive branded his beloved a murderer, Henry had him escorted out of Larkhall (s5ep16).
Larkhall’s chaplain until his relationship with Barbara forced him to resign (s5ep13). Kind, sensitive and compassionate, Henry was the perfect prison chaplain; it was just unfortunate that even twenty years of army life did nothing to prepare him for dealing with violent and hysterical women.
Virginia claimed a holy miracle when Maxi and Al proved that she was as able-bodied as the next inmate (s3ep15). Crystal also tried to claim that God was responsible for her pregnancy (s3ep16). Karen wasn’t fooled for a second and demanded to know the name of the guilty party. It took him a while, but Josh eventually fessed up (s4ep1).
Josh began his career at Larkhall in the works department and earned a bit of extra money on the side by smuggling stuff into the prison for Yvonne. Later, he trained as a PO and was assigned to work on G-Wing. Josh’s Achilles heel was his romantic relationship with Crystal. When she became pregnant, he had no choice but to resign (s4ep1).
Read Josh’s character profile.
Crystal and Josh’s daughter. She was born on the floor of the four-bed dorm and named after Zandra Plackett (s4ep9).
Shell arranged to have a phone smuggled in to the prison and then made anonymous calls to Hollamby and Marilyn Fenner (s2ep1-ep2). Josh smuggled four phones in for Yvonne when she was setting up the Babes Behind Bars telephone sex-line (s2ep8).
Natalie conspired with Colin to steal Di’s mobile phone after Fenner threatened to have her shipped out of Larkhall. She used the phone to text a message to a hit man, hoping to kill two birds with one stone – getting rid of Fenner and setting Di up to take the fall. Whether or not the plan would have worked is unknown as Fenner was killed by Julie J shortly afterwards (s7ep10).
More, Thomas Sister
Catholic nun who was sentenced to six months for embezzlement and theft (s7ep5). It soon transpired that Sister Thomas was no way near as saintly as she appeared. Pat took her hostage at knife point and revealed the extent of the physical and sexual abuse she was subjected to at the children’s home Sister Thomas used to run (s7ep6).
Rhiannon Dawson’s boyfriend. When the Julies discovered that Damian was pimping Rhiannon out to other men, they decided to teach him a lesson. After luring him in to Larkhall, they tipped the boiling hot contents of a tea urn into his lap (s4ep6). Both Julies were later sentenced to eight years for GBH with intent (s4ep13).
Mother and Baby Unit (MBU)
A specialist area of Larkhall where inmates can keep their babies with them until they reach the age of nine months (this does vary from prison to prison). As well as babies born to inmates, the MBU is also a home to women who already have young babies at the time of their imprisonment. Spaces on MBUs are limited and it may be that babies have to be cared for by someone on the outside.
Mums and Bums
Inmates’ nickname for Larkhall’s MBU.
Bev brightened up the cell she and Bev originally shared on G-Wing by slapping paint all over it (s5ep4). She and Phyl were later paid to paint a seaside mural on the walls of the Julies’ cell (s5ep15).
Larkhall’s very own Linda Barker, Catherine Earlham, painted the walls of her cell in preparation for an ‘at home’ with a celebrity magazine. She and her apprentice, Darlene, also painted a large Rastafarian themed mural on the walls of the G1 landing (s8ep10).
Myddleton, Charlotte Hon.
Aristocrat Charlotte was totally unaccustomed to mixing with the lower classes and managed to alienate her fellow inmates pretty quickly when she arrived on G-Wing (s3ep9). She was bullied so severely that she tried to end it all by suffocating herself with a plastic bag. Shocked by this, Yvonne offered the hand of friendship and Charlotte began to make an effort to fit in, even admitting to taking drugs in order to clear Crystal’s name (s3ep10). After a brief stay, she was transferred to an open prison (s3ep11).
Frances took over as G-Wing Governor after a brief stint working undercover as an inmate (s6ep1). Her appointment ruffled more than a few feathers as inmates and screws alike quickly learned that she was definitely not to be messed with. Frances was eventually rewarded for her good work at Larkhall with a promotion to Governing Governor and a transfer to HMP Whitehouse.